Resilience is a word that we use. It tells us we can bounce back, that we can take the hit, shake ourselves off - try again. It's something I've always been pretty good at I though. Square up, keep trudging - change the world through sheer bloody mindedness, by refusing to y'know just stop, and eventually something will turn up.

There are times when refusal just seems like denial however; a failure to look at the world honestly, to accept limitations with no expectation - times when the urge to grab hold of the blanket, to burrow deep into the earth seems overwhelming. These are days when the crisp light of the morning is dulled by the oncoming tumult of the day - becoming a blade that stabs and hacks away whittling insecurities till they are a grotesque caricature of who you are, and what you want to be.

I am feeling the urge to hibernate, to find a nook - a cranny, where I can hide away, and give in to my doubts and fears. I question my talent, and my qualities as a human being; I revisit my past(s) and the present and mock the person I have been/become - will be.

But I am fortunate - I am arrogant. I believe I have some abilities - and even as I write this I feel my chin clenching, and my teeth setting. This fear is selfish, and self-pitying - I have much to be thankful for, but I have begun to become insular again - it is time to open my eyes.

It is true, as I was taught from a young age, that life isn't fair... the point is, I guess, that can work both ways.