Waking up is never fun. The slow creaking of gears stiring themselves into action - trying to pin down the events of the day so they can be recognised, compartmentalised - tamed.
For me making real coffee has always been part of this ritual, with the mechanics of preparing the coffee, the smell wafting through the room, and the 'gold-blend' sounds speaking to my inner engine. For most of my life the rhythm of the day has been determined by a daily pattern: start times, breaks, transport - all these things which run to my own little timetable, with me as the guard tweaking and adapting to hiccups in the road; a sense of consistency which the chaos wraps around.
So I'm struggling a little bit at the moment. Don't get me wrong - I'm massively excited with the new course, new hopes and opportunities to explore the way I produce art and ideas. But along with all that comes a need to grasp at everything I can, which means flexibility, spontaneity and being able to remember what to pack each day.
The thing is along with all that I have type 1 diabetes - and it's new (which is weird in itself), so I'm trying to get my head around it a bit. The way it's working out for me is that I need to work out the carbohydrates in each meal and calculate how much insulin I need to inject; the gist of which means I need to do a lot more maths! Now I don't have to plan each and every meal way ahead - but in order to try and get it right I prefer to in general - as that way I don't mess up the sums. It's not the injections that bother me, it's the additional planning - things I need to take like sugar tablets and biscuits to keep my levels right. Trying to see if my body is giving any hints about what I need to do next (generally not so much!), testing to see how I'm doing, and making sure I have all the stuff I need to make my day as spontaneous as possible.
This is on some level what being an adult actually means - thinking things out, making plans, having contingencies, so I get that there is an element of throwing my toys out of the Pram here. And I want to do this with my life - I want it to be more free flowing; but for that to happen I have to install the systems, implement the rigidity - have my own level of oversight - I am now my own corporate structure - and I have a sneaking feeling I may not be very good at it.
I guess age doesn't help either, but I find the day begins with a series of doubts - checks to see what I have/haven't done; regular lists are made (and ticking them off is very good - it means I've achieved for the day); journeys often start with patting pockets, pausing in the street, returning to check - and as a result being very early is becoming a necessity (I'll hold my hands up here - I've always had this need, and as a result have honed hanging around to an art form).
A new course - with new challenges , a new house, living with diabetes - my life is complexity at the moment. But I'm lucky - I have a wonderful wife. She fears change - but has embraced it, is warm, generous, stronger than she knows - and as a scared as I am. We're working it out together - something that is priceless.
I write this over an espresso - part of my morning ritual, as I get my head into the day. Taking the time to think lets flow thoughts and feelings that were knotted together into mishappen monoliths. Narratives, journeys that need to be taken - these are all part of the planning process too; maybe I need to address the forms of organisation I put in place, so I can enjoy the ride.