The sun beams down today, it lights up the morning, which I spend draped across the sheets, and curled around my wife. It is a late start today, so these moments are ours, and, for a while, I am happy.
Crossing the river, clouds roll down from the hills. I am overcome with a sense of inadequacy, a sense that I shall never be good enough, never again deserve what I once had, never be able to give back to those who have given so much to me...
But this is storm brewing, the depths of my self loathing climbing up to rejoice in the twists of nature. After all I can see cracks in the sky - moments of blue that take me to Italy in the languorous late summer. I long to change my life - to give back as I know I should, but I know that what I create comes from this sense of tumult and flux. It is in surviving these moments of drowning, through pushing myself to the surface and taking greedy breaths of life that I will find the strength to create, to exist, to live.
And through living I will find a way to make amends, to find happiness for more than a few precious moments. I shall grow stronger and more definite and begin to truly be myself - not just to others, but also to myself. I shall shun Auden’s oppressive tick-tock and join Marvell on his quest to push Time to the limit and extract every second from the sun we are given.
For the moment I write here in my blog; tonight I paint again, and my journey will continue along its halting path, sustained by hope and by love.