The blog's been quiet for a few days now, wasn't sure what to put after the last one...
I feel tired today, my tolerance is wearing thin with people. It's as if a new task is there to hinder or frustrate me. Even the painting seems tiring - though I still keep going, still have ideas and still enjoy it in bursts. I just find that I am unable to sustain the concentration as long as I used. I get to a point and can feel a silly mistake coming on, or find myself focusing into the middle distances (which in this case is beyond a flat magnolia wall - hardly magic eye central), so I stop for a bit and then a bit more, then I go back and berate myself for a lack of productivity.
Do I just need to take a 'meh' day, a day of nothing? If so how will I know that I can get myself up again? Why do I need some kind of assurance, why do I distrust my own capacity so much? Other people work and rest - the two things should be complementary, not locked in a perpetual battle with each other. Quite frankly I want to see my manual, cos' I'm pretty sure there's a part missing, or a valve that's gone or something.
Don't get me wrong I've done some decent stuff this week, but finished little. I just feel like I could've done a lot more - that I need to do a lot more. Somewhere in my mind productivity equals worth I guess.
Normally at this point I start to witted on about changes in view point, or ways to confront the world - yay! But I feel a bit too knackered to slay dragons today; I don't want to charge at the world, I'd like to stay and look after the pigs today - smelly and menial true, but its warm and at least you get good bacon afterwards.
However I'm not allowed to just stay in bed for the day - I have things to do, and do them I must. So my choice is give in to this creeping sense of failure; or have some coffee, eat something, yawn - a lot! and wedge myself into the day and wriggle till I fit.