The humidity has increased. Shine is replaced by cloud, and the temperature cloys, cloth sticks to the skin. The body is tired and the mind becomes restless.
It's been strange recently - I've felt pretty mixed up I guess. At times I have swings of optimism and projects for the future jump out at me and I can see how they might be done - what I need to say, to do, and then as quickly I feel I'm jumping from one to another and it feels hollow and empty - like I can't keep focus on one track. I'm teary too. Not quite sure why, but my thoughts drift to the melancholy and I find myself having to repress my thoughts quickly.
I feel as though desperation is building up in me and I don't know where it's coming from.
The last year has been difficult, strange and exhilarating. I've produced more work than ever before - much of it I think is good, and some other people like too. I've begun to get my paintings on display and even into a gallery. I've produced illustration work and graphic work and even got some of it used by people. My writing has improved (honestly - don't just judge from these teenage posts), and I've got further with a novel than ever before. So why am I so scared?
I've always felt I have to complete something straight away, or else it won't happen. Patience has always been an excuse for not seeing something through. I don't trust myself to make sure something happens if I leave it - I have to do things today. And it's been a year...
So where does this pressure come from? I mean I have done work this year. Some work has even taken time. Okay my 'work' work isn't moving on - but then that was never part of the plan - did I think I'd be able to move on quicker? Am I still carrying the guilt of being in this situation and the impact on others (Even though on balance it's led me down the right path, it isn't as secure in other ways.)?
So I find myself considering moves - work based: do I do graphic courses - might be good for the CV, develop skills, prove I can do something I know I can? Do I look back to academia - a post grad? Lucky choices in many ways - and some more realistic than others.
But my question is - why? When I stop and look in I don't understand? I have achieved things, so why do I feel the pressure to look for something new, as if I'm giving up on what I'm doing, why do I feel I have I tried and failed and need to move on?
I don't think I do - entirely, painting is something I must keep doing, it is what I am about - it provides a method of expression I need. So this feeling is what - wanderlust, frustration, impatience, all of the above? Am I just too old for this shit?
Or is it because it might just work and that could make for some scary decisions? The thing is I worry I'll never feel good enough... and hope can only keep you going for a while.