Shit! I'm late. Okay breathe, organise, organise. Right: brushes to be cleaned - cling-film paint, clear sink, brushes in turps, washing up liquid to clear turps, use turps to clean hands, hand lotion to remove turps, ensure container is cleaned, leave all to dry on paper towels, put stuff back in sink and remind self to wash up tonight, or tomorrow... or another time. 

Now shower. Put clothes in easy reach - don't forget socks, arrange pocket crap where it will be remembered: wallet, pass, cash, phone - all check. Shower (censored, I'm shy), get out of shower, spray, brush, shave (-ish), clean sink (-ish), and scramble on clothes - pants, trousers, shirt, shoes, belt, tie - quick mirror check... yeah no one will throw anything. Breathe. 

Fuck - food! Run down stairs, grab lunch and fruit and drink, stuff in bag and feed expectant looking cat, who well knows her place (at the top of the food chain!). Grab coat and bag, check lights, doors and go. Dash up to train stop in manner of road walker - hips kicking painfully (but I refuse to run for work - or in general, as it contravenes too many health and safety and I'm fed up with the law suits), I scoot around the barrier, flicking my pass in the general direction of the person checking, and dive on the train. 

Sit, hyperventilate, and write blog. 

The irony is I'll be early after that. I hate being late so much that if I'm not early enough I class it as late. I like it when I'm so early I have to take an activity with me that I can do while I wait - like writing, drawing or reading. In this way I convince myself that I am getting extra from the day. In fact often I find that the arrival of my appointment is frustrating, as I have really been enjoying the waiting for the appointment more. 

My relationship with time is complex and tense. I want more, it wants to run away. I wouldn't mind but time is so passive aggressive! I always feel like I'm abusing it, or guilt for not using it properly, and that's when it rebukes me for wasting it, or being too paranoid - I'm not paranoid, I KNOW time is after me! 

Too shouty? I know, it's just I like time so much, and I just don't feel like I get the same commitment back. It's okay, we're having counselling, if it'll only get that smug look off its face.